Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
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I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
My friends are always encouraging me to persist. “Don’t quit your day job.”
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.