@KylePlantEmoji: Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn't fall down
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@jergarl: [first date] her: are you financially stable? me:*pulls an avocado out of my pocket and slowly places it on the table
@PhilJamesson: Husband Bear: Honey! I'm home! Wife Bear: For God's sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
@putyoursisterd1: Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
@Shenanigans_luv: BARISTA: what can I get you ME: medium roast please B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato M: *under breath* damn