Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
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[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
We are the people our parents warned us about.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Hank is one in a melon.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.