me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
You Might Also Like
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
life finds a way
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
About to throw up
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time