me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
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Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Just why bro?!
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I only buy cookware with handles that somehow get hotter than the pan itself. This is the way.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
go easy on yourself <3
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
i choose….tongue
