Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.

My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)

Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: is Wyoming real

government: dare

I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.

Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?

*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.

I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon

Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!

I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”

They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…

5yo: I want a snack.

M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.

5: I NEED CHOICES!

M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.

cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this

A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.

When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.

The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.

And then the fortune cookie company fired me

10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok

ME: let me try a yo-yo trick

DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.