Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it

My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.

My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”

Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.

Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really

Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.

Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!

“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning

ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones

CORONER: no

People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?

“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.

stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”

My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.

Greek yogurt should have Greek names.

“What flavor you got?”

“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”

January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.

-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”

We got an electric blanket so now I call all of our other ones acoustic blankets.

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.

Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.

Ice Spice v. Mice Spice

GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that

a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”

Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.

Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.