Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
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If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Mistook a bottle of bleach for my cat and I’m starting to worry that during all those years I spent volunteering at an animal shelter I was actually just wandering around a Walmart.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
pls suprot
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it