ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
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When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf