ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
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you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Damn he played himself
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.