ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
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“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
#CatsOnTwitter
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
