ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
You Might Also Like
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”