me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
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My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests