me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
You Might Also Like
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is