Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.

Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.

This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose

The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism

HERE’S MARKY

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

[being seated for blind date]

her: have you ever been on one of these before

me: yeah I love chairs

Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”

Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Dada!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Papa!

Me: Say Mama.

Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.

Me: This is bullshit.

Baby: This is bullshit.

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀

My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

[Observation Ward]

Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-

Doctor 1: Take his phone

Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago

Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?

We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.