Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
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So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Never let them know your next move 😂
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Thinking about a snail with a limp
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough