Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
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If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.