Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
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[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what