Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
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Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.