Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
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The real reason evolution started..😂
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
this is what they would have looked like, though
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.