Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
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Coffee is ready.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
catch me on valentine’s day like
bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate