Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
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Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs