me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
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Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
It’s amazing how much destruction a 4yo can cause between the hours of 5:30 and 5:37 am.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
My dress code is business-casualty.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
one last job
jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
embroidery proof arrived and as expected, it does not make my wife laugh
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue