Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.

She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.

It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.

Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron

For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:

“sry that wsnt for u”

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.

“Ok what do we got here?”

just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

This text is literally my relationship with my mother:

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home

I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is

My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

#Friyay

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.

I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

Sexy Time:

*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*

Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.