Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.

Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.

BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole

snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?

me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories

also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”

– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.

My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.

the way he checked his surroundings 😭

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the body

Me looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?

Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.

me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.

them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to

me: that’s better

rules for dating my daughter:

1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm

2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me

3. please be my friend

tfw you’re yelling at the tv and the contestant finally comes up with the same answer as you’ve been yelling, and it’s wrong.