Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
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My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management