Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.

8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?

Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.

Mike:

My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.

The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ

I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house

drug dealer: who are you talking to

me: [lowering my voice] he knows

ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]

…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…

Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.

Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”

You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet.  I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later

When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.

an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”

why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably

I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.

welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH

Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment