Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl: Do you have protection?

Me: Um like a sword?

Me: I love Bowl Season

Them: yeah, football every day for a month!

Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?

I wear a lot of sport bras for someone who gets winded brushing their teeth.

I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!

scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*

My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.

Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.

Strange

Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.

Keith: Shut it.

[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]

Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes

Pee pressure > peer pressure

welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister

vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash

🐟✨ #re4

Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..

That’s adulthood….

if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.

me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums

13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law

Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.