Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
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My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.