Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
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It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Mine in this week’s New Yorker
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
mom had nothing to worry about
Best spoiler warning ever
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.