Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
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Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Thank you 🥹
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.