Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
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hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
congratulations to them
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?