Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
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we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.