Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

when you order from DoorDastardly

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”

Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.

I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.

1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.

purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again

At McDonalds

Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them

Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done

If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.

If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.

A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.

“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”

remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer

[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen

911: what room is the body in

me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird

Me: I once ate undercooked chicken at a restaurant for months because I didn’t want to upset the server.

Them: Why…why didn’t you just stop ordering the chicken?

Me: Hindsight is 20/20, David.

Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”

Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”

Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.