Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”

[PRESS CONFERENCE]

Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby

Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?

Me: sure, whoever

In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe

Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit

To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.

I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this

Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…

Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants

12yo: WHAT

If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.

Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation

He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

Overindulged this afternoon.

When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.

[Interview with a Vampire]

Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!

Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.

I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice

“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”

* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.

You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!

Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago

I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

My back has gone out more than I have this year.