Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*6yo sneezes*

Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?

6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.

Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore

Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.

Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?

FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”

– Khaki pants

BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*

My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.

Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*

If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”

Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week

We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄

The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?

I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use

Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!

*wildlife shows up*

Home buyer: Not like that.