I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
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Fastening a pendant around my son’s neck before dying for him, “Keep this always. The audience won’t recognize you as an adult without it”
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
My armpits smell like garlic bread.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
[on the phone with my mom]
Me: I think we should get a dog. I really think it would be good to have someone to shower with love and affection right now
Husband: I AM SITTING RIGHT HERE