@UncleDuke1969

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

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@Adar79Angie

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

@radtoria

Fastening a pendant around my son’s neck before dying for him, “Keep this always. The audience won’t recognize you as an adult without it”

@lmegordon

The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?

@HeIsMaxBarth

If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them

@CrockettForReal

Grass: [grows]

Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]

@suziqkelley

How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?

@seandunn76

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

@CethanLeahy

Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work

@VisionBored1

[on the phone with my mom]

Me: I think we should get a dog. I really think it would be good to have someone to shower with love and affection right now

Husband: I AM SITTING RIGHT HERE