Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!

I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.

*Adds track star to resume*

[being buttered]

Me: are you sure about this

Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife

Who did this…? 💫⚡️

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this

If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you

Son: I’m addicted to morphing

Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?

Son: No Dad,not Morphine

Dad: what?

Son: *turns into bat

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.

Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.

I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.

12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.

Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really

With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.

The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.

Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee

“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod

Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’

Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”

I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!