Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son

Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.

9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night

Me: Hang on, give me a…

7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.

Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye

7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked

It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.

cw: what did you do at the weekend?

me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal

cw: I think you mean belated?

m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean

On the surface: cool as a cucumber…

On the inside: squirrel in traffic…

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?

Diamond: rookie

The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.

yes yes a thousand times yes!

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

4: What does antique mean?

Me: It means old-

4: Oh…like you?

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget

One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth