Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”

Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”

7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”

You got it, brother. 🫡

Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere

A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck

“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*

*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.

Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.

Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

Me at a wine tasting:

*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.

Möther may I have a snäck

6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”

Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.

*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.

I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.

If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.

According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illness

And the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”

“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant

It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.

Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ

Defendant: What?

Me: I rest my case, your Honor.

*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck

she has a smile full of sesame seeds

ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!

FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.

ME: It really is.