Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.

[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color

Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.

Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.

Things that keep me up at night #6874

The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’

My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.

“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:

5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)

Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.

Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.

You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.

gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now

me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.

Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.

Me: Wait, did you just point at me?

I’ve had worse

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby

See you guys when I get out of prison.

My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.

“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate

A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean

Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!

However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.