Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*

Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?

I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.

i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.

If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it

No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

Women’s magazines:

Page 5: accept yourself for who you are

Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week

Page 12: best cake recipe

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

Why call it a “step dad” when you could have called it a faux pas?

Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes

They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away

15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.

when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…

We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.

named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.

Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP

Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife

me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it

lady: can I have my baby back

Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.

I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.

Person: how does writing work?

Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise

Person: then you’re done with the book?

Writer: then you move to the next sentence