Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
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Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
🙂🙃🥹
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.