Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.

Wednesday

The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.

Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?

Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls

me after i passed that state trooper

They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework

Me: I’m a programmer.

Person 1: “make my website pls”

Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”

Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”

Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”

Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”

Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”

This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety

I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.

my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.

bridal shower ok. baby shower, sure. but what we really need is unemployment showers – imagine you get laid off or quit your job and you throw a party and all your friends have to bring you gifts

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

What if the weather talks about us?

I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.

Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

Netflix and you sit over there.

GF: “Can I be frank?”

Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.

The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress

Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.

My nice little date:

Impervious: being an admitted pervert

That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.

Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.