Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”
You Might Also Like
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Driving in Europe vs Canada
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout