Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”
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Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Nativity season is upon us! My son has been cast as a wise man. My daughter, on the otherhand –
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Why are there no bring your friend to work days so that they can see you have a serious job and do serious things for a living
i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano
-me politely declining dates
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
But I really needed water water water
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?