Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”
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ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.