Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
girls literally only want one thing..
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Your 20s are for fucking up & figuring yourself out. Except for me, who should have had every single minute detail of my future plans set in stone the second I stopped being a teenager.
That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
