Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]
I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
A game married people play.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
