Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

judas: hey man want to come out to last supper

jesus: what?

judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free

Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*

Doctor: What brings you in today?

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

***TRAVEL NEWS***

A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.

See that girl.

Watch that scene.

Diggin’ the Danson cream.

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.

If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.

Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.

Me: Harry Potter.

Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.

Me: then why does it have witches?

Wife:

Me: and spells.

Wife:

Me: and flying broomsticks.

Wife: pick another movie.

Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.

Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”

Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

*first day as a firefighter*

I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire

Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.

Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.

See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:

me: I challenge you to a fish fight

them: you mean fist fight?

Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no

“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”

Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?

“Can I shower with this cast?”

DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?

PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!

Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness

One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.

I think he’s my soulmate.

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.

am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall

Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.

I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.