My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
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Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*