Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.

When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”

Her: Make me a mimosa.

Me: But we’re out of orange juice.

Her: I don’t see the problem.

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.

“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them

Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?

Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase

My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”

Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.

I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.

when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak

Coworker: What book you reading there?

Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’

CW:…

Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.

Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.

Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.

Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?

Dad: Anywhere you like.

Me: (moves item)

Dad: Not THERE.

[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw

My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole

This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am

Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…

Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals

Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.