ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
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*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
gm
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again