Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
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Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
This one’s “Alex”.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats