Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
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*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?![]()
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Genius idea!!
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