Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
You Might Also Like
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning