Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
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#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it