Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
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[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
ME: Happy New Year, Dad. We love you.
DAD: That’s great. Hey, put the dog back on the phone. I got another joke for him.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Customize Your Wedding.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”