Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
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Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I like crazy people until they notice me
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life