Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
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Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*