Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?

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PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did my assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol


We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain


ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school


ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th


Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”


Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.


“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
*complete silence*


I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.


“Calm down” I suggested.

“WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I’M NOT CALM?” she carved in the side of my truck.


[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat


I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.