Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
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Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
my retirement plan is braless
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.