Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
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When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.