Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
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my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968