*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*
Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!
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While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach