Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man

Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer

This is going to be a meme FOREVER:

If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.

I will (and I can’t stress this enough) touch whatever you tell me not to touch.

To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today

wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.

The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.

No way!

Worth a try

No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.

If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down

We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.

[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad

is frankincense just very honest incense?

Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50

“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”

Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”

Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.

I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store