*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*
Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!
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Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?