*me, absentmindedly patting my youngest child on the head as I walk by*
Him: Mom, stop using my hair as a paper towel!
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Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.