Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?

Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

…

Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:

To see more unmatched reporting, visit

5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it was served warm, it would be justwater.

1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.

The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.

My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.

Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked

Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter

Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then

scary then: a phone call came from inside the house

scary now: a phone call

Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes

So the ex texted me

90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.

Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?

-People who are about to piss you off

My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?