Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*

I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

The elephant is my spirit animal.

1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms

Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.

Me: Damn, that looks delicious.

Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…

[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most

I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.

“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”

I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night

I’m the neighbor

My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.

Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.

My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot

I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email

“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”

-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand

Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.

If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself

Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.

After struggling for ages at this branch with a Smartboard that doesn’t work half the time, we finally talked the library system into replacing it with a Smartboard that works half the time.

my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive