me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
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Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?