Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
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Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog