Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wise advice

*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”

-the first hipster

Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car

my recent google searches:

— how to colour your own hair

— how to fix a bad dye job

— Wigs By Tiffani

— hats

— making the most of your time in isolation

My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)

Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”

Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]

I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.

friend: can i tell you something

me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.

Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all

Boyfriend and Boy friend…..

See that little space between the second one?

Thats called the friend zone!

Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.

Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?

Fred: Um, ya, whatever.

My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.

Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?

Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill

“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.

lmao😭🤣

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?

My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.

He’s a 10 but so is his volume.