me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
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Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid