Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed

Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

Inside you there are two wolves

Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?

Windows Explorer: who knows lol

my proudest tweet

Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.

*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*

Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.

“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort

Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?

Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back

My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.

Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.

I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.

I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”

Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5

[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?

Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful

*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit

People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.

*updates tinder bio*

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”

Sir are you a shark in disguise?

*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*

Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.

[trial]

Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy